You asked for it...

And, by "you" I mean whoever reads this. Not a lot of folks, I imagine. But, here's me and what I've been doing for the past 5 months. I'm taking three weeks off the cycle to be a tour guide in London. Sorta like a chaperone type thing. I'm excited and scared. I'll write about how it went. Its for 8 days at the end of March. That's me in East London, a class place where you need to watch out for the multi-colored phlegm and trash and gangs on the streets everywhere.

So, how is Obama beating Hillary? How can this be? I've been confused and let down by the American people before (how does Clay Aiken still have legions of fans? How does New York have the same representatives in the Senate as Iowa or Nebraska?) but, I just don't understand him and his lame-ness. Why does it seem like we all want to be lyed to? Is that all people want in the end? As I get older, I feel like I get dumber and have more and more questions...

So, sandwich sales have been good. I have some spending money but all I can think to spend it on is booze, so unoriginal. I like London more and more. Its got that same addictive-ness that NYC has. You don't want to stay but can't leave.

And yet, I've been sick three times and the last time was for like 3 weeks. I know that my job: being outside, coming into contact with a hundred people and their diseases every day, inhaling huge amounts of petrol fumes cannot help my general health, But JEEZ! The flu that I caught was so high-powered it made me think I had TB. I'm not even kidding. That's sicker than I've been in maybe 4 or 5 years. London is Plague Central. At least for this half-jew Yorker with a penchant for drink and fast cycling.

Keep on reading, Frank and maybe Laura?

2008, oh great

So, here I am. In London for the US prez primary. Yet, I will say that I'm glad to be here just to notice the predominant attitudes and the prevailing opinions for who should be our next President.

To be fair, I don't meet a lot of Republicans. Or, folks who would be Republicans if'n they could be. I know there are like 150 million or something back home, but over here, it seems like meeting 150 of them would be truly rare. Now, I'm not talking about the media or news coverage of the American Prez race. I mean, the people I meet over here would be considered, by and large, dyed-in-the-blue-wool liberals. Britain has very liberal values: issues like nationalized health care, high taxes, welfare for everybody are part of the fabric of their society and have been for like 50 years.

So, this being said, most of the people I shoot the shit with on my daily sandwich crusade are for Obama. Now, maybe that's not a big shocker, but on Tuesday i asked this guy why he thought that was and he told me he didn't know, it was more like 'Give some one other than a Clinton or a Bush the chance to be President'

And, that seems fair and actually sorta makes sense. I mean, from outside the US, both Democrats seem pretty similar in their policy and beliefs, so why not let a black guy finally be the President, right? And, furthermore you're not going to get any real details about any of the candidates unless you go and seek it, cause nobody over here can vote anyway. Its like wanting to go to Homecoming at the rival school...

Now, I'm a Hillary fan. I like her, I like her attitude, I like her policies and I think she's a lot smarter and a lot meaner than Obama which is what I feel the Democrats will need to beat McCain. And beat him they must for he is the worst kind of politician: The Old AND Crazy kind, the Joe Lieberman kind. He's the the type that kisses babies and cuts welfare for new mothers, the dude that supports gay people and bans civil unions in the same breath. And feels nothing about it. The guy who supports our troops by sending them to die in Iran like some 5th Century Spartan king but without the six-pack or the use of his arm.

Anyhoo, why is Barack so popular over in the UK? Same reason why G.W. Bush almost won in 2000, he's got a nice demeanor and you want to trust him, I guess. I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. Maybe a small but obvious part of it is that they're a bit disillusioned with the mystique of a woman attaining high office. They had a female PM and she was tough as nails and had a bitch streak the size of the Falkland Islands. Maybe they don't see the Hillary I see. And maybe they don't see the Conservative dressed in Blue Liberal Stockings that I see in Obama.

Whatever the case may be, the self-important US media will now have something to keep itself occupied for the next few months. Cause we wouldn't want to be hearing about new alternative energy ideas or raising gas taxes or the flailing World economy, right?

RED MEANS STOP, mate

STOP! Not GO! Well, thank you officer/bobby/cop on a bike. 

And, thanks for the £30 ticket, I might add. 

I tell ya folks, London has got it in for me. In my defense, I'd never biked on this busy street. I say busy because the red light that I didn't see was not a cross street for cars but one of the million pedestrian crossings found all over London. And, there people crossing, people who saw me trying to make this turn and had paused to let me through...

My bad. But, jeez, when this cop came up besides me and yelled something in cockney, london-ize which I don't and won't speak, I said "What?!" maybe I was a little bit curt. 

"I said, pull over mate!" (no, you didn't, you said something like hey there or you alright or some such crap English) 

Side-note: My first reaction comes from the fact that two days ago, a woman came up to me while I was stopped at a red light, see I obey the rules of the road. Anyway, this lady started screaming "Fucking sod, fucking on a bike, fuck!" She was obviously a bit deranged but so could this psycho in a neon jumper, I don't know!

So, I got a ticket. The dude was literally salivating and shaking and really got into telling me about how I could've killed his child, how irresponsible I am and how this week's its "0 tolerance." I was on a bike, man, going REALLY slow with a heavy trailer, but maybe if the kid had fallen on the ground right as I made my turn I could've done some damage. Sorry.

Hey, we all got a job to do, I understand that. Personally, I've never understood the weird power trip that motivates some people to go into the police force, but you better believe this guy loved that part of his job. He threatened to arrest me if he couldn't verify that I gave him the right address. Yikes. 

And, as he kept me there for like 45 minutes, the weirdest thing happened, he looked at me and asked me how I would describe my ethnic origin. I said "White, um, obviously?" He said that it didn't matter, he was forced to ask me and he seemed a bit satisfied with himself as he made a note of this on his pad. 

Now, I'm not saying that this white cop targeted me because I'm white or that I was wearing a Yankees hat (which lead to the standard, 'Oh you're from NY, Mets or Yankees fan?'). But, I would say that instead of letting me off with a warning that would have been just as effective, he wanted to screw me and my white Yankee self with a ticket. Maybe to meet a quota, get a promotion, who knows? 

All I know is that this represents the second fine I've gotten here in less than a month. Both fines were simple errors, not the least bit malicious, not destroying the environment, threatening any one's health or safety, or hurting the English way of life as far as I can tell. They were what we like to call mistakes. And, to make a completely irrational guess I would say that there's this weird "You should know better, whitey" thing that goes on around here. 

Cause we all know how much the British love their rules, and you'd better not even think about breaking those rules, especially if you speak fluent English and are a Mets fan.

List of 2007, stolen from Rose's LJ

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Moved away from New York.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Don't remember if I made any last year, and I doubt I will this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, TK's sister.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
England, AmsterDAM, Paris

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
More confidence in myself, something to do that challenges me, some mo money, honey

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 4, cause I left the US and my Dad turned 58.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Does leaving NY count? Is that getting too repetitive?

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not quitting my job sooner. Not really a failure, just laziness really.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, I just got the flu like 9 times.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I don't buy a lot of stuff, but 2 leather bracelets for two special ladies were good gifts, even if one wasn't perfect.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
TK's for putting up with my complaining whining bitch-ery. And for always putting a bright spin and always wanting to go out.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
TK's for never wanting to leave the party.

14. Where did most of your money go?
To the UK!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Oh god, its Britney Bitch.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Gimme Gimme More.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? Both. More of each I think.
ii. Thinner or fatter? Thinner! Thanks bicycling.
iii. Richer or poorer? Poorer! Thanks bicycling!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Looked into Grad Schools seriously.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Hate to say it, but drinking to excess.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes, well no, but I decided to make a real commitment to my love. and so far so good.

23. How many one-night stands?
none that I know of.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I Love NY was 2nd, 1st place must go to Battlestar Galactica.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Oh yes, I didn't know these buggers until 3 months ago, they're Offensively Lame.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Best Gift I received was The Master and Commander Books and so far, my fav has been Post Captain or The Fortune of War.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm, Justice.

28. What did you want and get?
The Master & Commander Box Set.

29. What did you want and not get?
a new car. kidding, a bike, actually.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Host or Transformers

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
We had a party at the Bushwick Country Club, I turned 28 and TK surprised me with Julia, the chef from lalaland.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I saved more money and if I had become German sooner.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Gap OK, American Apparel NO WAY!

34. What kept you sane?
My Terry, awww. And the Pirate Books.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Robert Mitchum

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Not Global Warming. Maybe Abortion stuff.

37. Who did you miss?
Orlando

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Norbert or Veronica

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
You gotts to move outta yo Momma's house, quit bitching about your life, and act Now. Or as MJ once said, "i'm gonna make a change, for once in my life"

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

You want a Piece of Me.

Ein Deutscher?

Ok, So I just got the last piece of my jig saw puzzle in the mail from the Dept. of Homeland Security. I'm too sick & tired of hearing myself talk about this process and this bureau-crazy, I'm not going into it right now. It took over a year. For a form that belongs to my family.

Whatever. And, now once I get this to the Consulate and they in turn get it over to Cologne or Bonn or wherever, I become German.
Wow. So, its funny because I spent the weekend with people from all over Europe and this one girl from Germany. So, we're hanging out at the Quick (its McDonalds on the Continent) in front of the Gare du Nord train station in Paris and she tells me about how this girl told her how excited she was to go to Germany. My German friend asks her why and this girl says because they have such a wonderful sense of Humor ....
? German girl looked at her and said Seriously? She thinks that most Germans are the corniest people in the world. And, I sorta agree. However, there are some things we need to stand up and thank Germany for.
The most important in my mind is Fruhstuck. Breakfast. Nobody does it better.
(Don't you dare say anything, English peeps: your breakkie is made for beer hangovers)
Bread, cereal, cheese, yoghurt, coffee, THIS is something to wake up for!

Also, recycling. And, at the same time, the antithesis: Cars.

Yet, Comedy is not something Germany has had much to do with in the last 100 years or so. No, they (maybe WE) are not a humorous bunch.
Nein?

Oh alrighty then

Fuck this short story, creative writing exercise in obsessions. Maybe I'll do that later.
For now, how about a list of things I can't stand about London, to be followed by things that I adore:

Bile-worthy:

Cab drivers: What the fuck is your problem, white man? what gave you the idea that driving a CAB is an important job and gives you carte blanche to hog the road, fuck with cyclists, and otherwise act like you're an MP or an investment banker. You drive a cab. You have no special privileges. Get the hell outta the bus lane.

Ecstasy: Who does pills anymore? Who doesn't learn that for all the fun, orgiastic bonding and 'special feelings' that this dirty drug gives you, the 'Terrible Tuesday' aka E hangover aka Holes in Your Brain is not worth it? I mean, c'mon, you live with your Mom, your boyfriend's going to jail, and all you do is roll on pills and smoke weed? And, you wonder why you're depressed?

Crazies: Where do you come from? Who lets you buy beer and walk around tripping out and drunk? Why hasn't Rudy Guiliani's British Equivalent swooped in and thrown you in jail or something? Seriously, you freak me out and London should have gotten you under control, oh I dunno, 800 years ago.

The Parliament: In this case, I have to admit, I like watching it on TV. It's so entertaining: the leaders of your country have to stand up for what they believe in and be great improvisers. They have to defend actual policy decisions. It makes the US President's State of the Union Blow Job look like the worst farce since OJ Simpson's acquittal. Each and every time.

And, speaking of the USA...
England vs. America: Just stop it. Stop it right now. There is no contest or even comparison. If I have to read another scathing critique on the US for its bad environmental policy or its War in Iraq or its TV shows, I'm going to blow my war-loving, polar-bear-hating, Heroes-watching brains out. When I hear that the US spends almost 10 times as much on sunscreen than the British, I think Yeah, that's because in some places its sunny all the time. You never hear these criticisms of other countries (ESPECIALLY THE UK) in American news-dailies, at least not in New York. Or, in those hundreds of TV shows exported to countries around the world. Is it because America is superior? I don't think so. I think its because America likes to think it IS the world. I know I'd pick any show on NBC (even My Name is Earl) before I'd watch the BBC. But, that's just me (and about half of Britain).
And, the last but by far the MOST HORRIFIC THING ABOUT LONDON,

THE UNDERGROUND, or the worst transit system I have ever known. Not only is it double, sometimes triple the price of the NY subway, it goes half the distance, closes at midnight, and is somehow more crowded than ASDA on Welfare Check Sunday. And, when Londoners get told that they have to wait for the next train or they can't get into their station for over a year to fix an ELEVATOR (or lift), they just queue up or grin and say 'well mate, what can you do?'. Unbelievable.

Hugs n Kisses:

Beer: God, I thought I knew what beer was and I was wrong. Its actually bitter, delicious at room temperature, highly alcoholic and nothing in the US comes close. Sam Adams and a few micro-brews try but Britain has the most variety along with the perfect environment to enjoy it: The Pub.

The Pub: even when its full of old men in sweaters who resemble yourself in 15 years if you're not careful, its the nicest place to get pissed. You feel like you're constantly singing the theme song to Cheers, and instead of Ted Danson and Kirstie Allie you get Polish versions with (somewhat) better hairstyles.

Bread: So much better here. Almost too good. Why is it so good?

Walking: People will walk, good distances. When the Tube is fucked, as it invariably is, people walk. And they don't gripe or bitch or moan. They just say, 'Well mate, what can you do?' No need for a press conference to be called or a huge production, just get out and walk. Its called a City because everything's relatively close by.

Complaining: In general, people don't get worked up for no good reason. Take crazy drunk guy screaming and spitting or pissing at you. Oh, isn't that funny? Let's all have a laugh and move on. I think, shouldn't that guy be in jail or something?

Drunk Girls: You are everywhere. You're loud and obnoxious but wittier than most drunks.

Drunk Guys: You love rugby and pretending to be gay.

Indians: You don't think of yourselves as a minority but you probably are, and in the States you sure are. Still, that's pretty cool, Go London!

Muslims: I don't understand your ways, but I'm fascinated by you. And, your clothes and sandals and the hijab. In America, all ethnicities want to be American first. Its the whole Melting Pot idea.

Here, everybody wants to be whatever ethnicity they are first and then British second. Personally, I think that's being a little bit backwards-looking. I believe in Assimilation 100%. I think most Americans think that way. How can you have pride in being from a country where women can't vote? Or, where your government participates in genocide?

Belief and religion are so front-and-center here. Maybe its like that in the US too, but here in London, people seem to take a lot more notice of who they are in relation to their country. It seems to be something to consider and think about. Instead of the Melting Pot, you have a Shepherds Pie with ever layer separated by Potatoes, some layers have Pork, some beef, some Veg.

mmmmm, Chips...that's also awesome.

Something to do

So, this will be where I do something better with my day. hopefully, I won't be talking so much. Or maybe I will.

I'm new to this so give me a second to gather myself. I think I want to write about people and places...OK, so here goes:

She was walking home from her friends' flat in East Acton. It was late and the night buses were running but she couldn't be bothered with another bus or the probable drunk munger sitting there and staring at her chest or worse. Besides, the night was warm and the rain had stopped, it was about a mile walk home to her flat and she didn't mind being outside.

The party was OK for a Friday night. Everyone seemed to be really pissed by midnight and a few folks had passed out on the couches at 10 pm. Tom wasn't there and she felt a little stupid for asking after him to all his mates. 'He has a friend visiting from home,' they all said, like they were reading from a rehearsed script.

'I just wish he would've told me he was moving out last night,' she told Nick, her friend from work.

'Well, he just found out he could move into his new place and he didn't want to be a burden or anything.'

'Does he really have a friend in from Oz in London or not?'

'Actually, she's from Spain and they met when he was on tour a few years back. But, don't tell him I told you anything, OK?' Nick looked around the room to see if anyone had heard him, 'Look, let's get a drink and maybe go round the back?'

'No, its OK, thanks Nick, I'm gonna go see what Amy's getting up to. See ya'

Sam went up to the fourth floor and found Amy there with Patrick and Mike and a bunch of coke, 'I see how it is then, you lot got in touch with Scribbs and didn't even tell me he came by!'

...