Oh alrighty then

Fuck this short story, creative writing exercise in obsessions. Maybe I'll do that later.
For now, how about a list of things I can't stand about London, to be followed by things that I adore:

Bile-worthy:

Cab drivers: What the fuck is your problem, white man? what gave you the idea that driving a CAB is an important job and gives you carte blanche to hog the road, fuck with cyclists, and otherwise act like you're an MP or an investment banker. You drive a cab. You have no special privileges. Get the hell outta the bus lane.

Ecstasy: Who does pills anymore? Who doesn't learn that for all the fun, orgiastic bonding and 'special feelings' that this dirty drug gives you, the 'Terrible Tuesday' aka E hangover aka Holes in Your Brain is not worth it? I mean, c'mon, you live with your Mom, your boyfriend's going to jail, and all you do is roll on pills and smoke weed? And, you wonder why you're depressed?

Crazies: Where do you come from? Who lets you buy beer and walk around tripping out and drunk? Why hasn't Rudy Guiliani's British Equivalent swooped in and thrown you in jail or something? Seriously, you freak me out and London should have gotten you under control, oh I dunno, 800 years ago.

The Parliament: In this case, I have to admit, I like watching it on TV. It's so entertaining: the leaders of your country have to stand up for what they believe in and be great improvisers. They have to defend actual policy decisions. It makes the US President's State of the Union Blow Job look like the worst farce since OJ Simpson's acquittal. Each and every time.

And, speaking of the USA...
England vs. America: Just stop it. Stop it right now. There is no contest or even comparison. If I have to read another scathing critique on the US for its bad environmental policy or its War in Iraq or its TV shows, I'm going to blow my war-loving, polar-bear-hating, Heroes-watching brains out. When I hear that the US spends almost 10 times as much on sunscreen than the British, I think Yeah, that's because in some places its sunny all the time. You never hear these criticisms of other countries (ESPECIALLY THE UK) in American news-dailies, at least not in New York. Or, in those hundreds of TV shows exported to countries around the world. Is it because America is superior? I don't think so. I think its because America likes to think it IS the world. I know I'd pick any show on NBC (even My Name is Earl) before I'd watch the BBC. But, that's just me (and about half of Britain).
And, the last but by far the MOST HORRIFIC THING ABOUT LONDON,

THE UNDERGROUND, or the worst transit system I have ever known. Not only is it double, sometimes triple the price of the NY subway, it goes half the distance, closes at midnight, and is somehow more crowded than ASDA on Welfare Check Sunday. And, when Londoners get told that they have to wait for the next train or they can't get into their station for over a year to fix an ELEVATOR (or lift), they just queue up or grin and say 'well mate, what can you do?'. Unbelievable.

Hugs n Kisses:

Beer: God, I thought I knew what beer was and I was wrong. Its actually bitter, delicious at room temperature, highly alcoholic and nothing in the US comes close. Sam Adams and a few micro-brews try but Britain has the most variety along with the perfect environment to enjoy it: The Pub.

The Pub: even when its full of old men in sweaters who resemble yourself in 15 years if you're not careful, its the nicest place to get pissed. You feel like you're constantly singing the theme song to Cheers, and instead of Ted Danson and Kirstie Allie you get Polish versions with (somewhat) better hairstyles.

Bread: So much better here. Almost too good. Why is it so good?

Walking: People will walk, good distances. When the Tube is fucked, as it invariably is, people walk. And they don't gripe or bitch or moan. They just say, 'Well mate, what can you do?' No need for a press conference to be called or a huge production, just get out and walk. Its called a City because everything's relatively close by.

Complaining: In general, people don't get worked up for no good reason. Take crazy drunk guy screaming and spitting or pissing at you. Oh, isn't that funny? Let's all have a laugh and move on. I think, shouldn't that guy be in jail or something?

Drunk Girls: You are everywhere. You're loud and obnoxious but wittier than most drunks.

Drunk Guys: You love rugby and pretending to be gay.

Indians: You don't think of yourselves as a minority but you probably are, and in the States you sure are. Still, that's pretty cool, Go London!

Muslims: I don't understand your ways, but I'm fascinated by you. And, your clothes and sandals and the hijab. In America, all ethnicities want to be American first. Its the whole Melting Pot idea.

Here, everybody wants to be whatever ethnicity they are first and then British second. Personally, I think that's being a little bit backwards-looking. I believe in Assimilation 100%. I think most Americans think that way. How can you have pride in being from a country where women can't vote? Or, where your government participates in genocide?

Belief and religion are so front-and-center here. Maybe its like that in the US too, but here in London, people seem to take a lot more notice of who they are in relation to their country. It seems to be something to consider and think about. Instead of the Melting Pot, you have a Shepherds Pie with ever layer separated by Potatoes, some layers have Pork, some beef, some Veg.

mmmmm, Chips...that's also awesome.